Has the iPad become your babysitter? Do you want to reduce screen time but the idea of completely screen free kids terrifies you? Consider the following:
Your young daughter has been watching her iPad for way longer than you intended, which has devolved into trolling the dark web, and now you’re trying to get her to turn it off before bedtime.
It’s getting ugly.
Like, “sweating off your glitter mascara while barfing in a hot porta-potty at Coachella” ugly.
You ask nicely. She refuses.
You get stern. She cries.
You claw the iPad away.
She glares at you like a rabid dog, and then starts the biting, scratching, bitch-fight before you even have time to take out your J.Lo hoops.
Thanks a lot, Steve Jobs.
Thanks a whole frickin’ lot.
But wait.
What’s that you say? Steve Jobs didn’t allow his children to use an iPad? Tech execs have screen free kids?
True. The co-founder of Apple Computers told the New York Times in 2010, “We limit how much technology our kids use at home.”
Similarly, Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, banned his kids from having mobiles until they were 14, forbids them at the dinner table, and limits his youngest’s screen time before she goes to bed.
Chris Anderson, former editor of Wired Magazine admitted of screens that “on the scale between candy and crack cocaine, it’s closer to crack cocaine.”
Then why in the world are we giving our four-year-olds crack cocaine?
Well, so that I can have a peaceful restaurant dinner with my partner. So that I can keep junior from pulling every diaper from the closet while I attempt to clean the toilet. So that I can read this article without being asked to play “toxic sludge cats” for the zillionth time.
But trust me, there’s a better way.
I’m not suggesting completely screen free kids.
No, no, no. (Insert evil laugh.) I don’t hate my sanity that much.
(Unless you’re a new parent. Because then I would plead with you to keep phones and tablets from your child as long as possible. Seriously.) But who are we kidding? If you’re a new parent, your only goals for the day are keeping your children alive and taking a shower. Usually, the second goal never happens. You ain’t got time to read blog articles!
You’re here because you have had the aforementioned iPad deathmatch every day of the past five years, and you can tell that your child is morphing into a meth-head with the social skills of a potato and the self-regulation of a volcano.
I’m suggesting limits.
Reasonable, realistic limits.
How to limit iPads and screen time
I started small.
One day off per week.
My sons were about 3 and 5, and every moment that they weren’t watching a show, they were begging for one. And every time I told them to return the iPad, they attempted a Blippi-induced coup. (We’re talking problematic smartphone use, big time.)
So, I told everyone that we were starting SCREEN FREE SUNDAY.
It’s exactly like it sounds. Zero screens for the whole of Sunday. (Until 5pm.)
When I told my sister my plan, she thought I was going unhinged.
And you know what?
It was amazing.
Of course, for the first couple of weeks they asked if they could watch a show about ten times every Sunday. But by week three, they never even asked. They realized that mom was serious.
Once they had time to play and nothing “better to do,” they got so creative. I was wowed by the games they invented, the worlds they inhabited, and the laughter that ensued.
I am not by ANY means suggesting that you go white-knuckle, COVID-lockdown-style and just wake up on a Sunday with no plans and tell your screen fans to “go play.” That, my friends, is a recipe for a trainwreck crashing into a dumpster fire.
I suggest having a couple of things planned throughout the day, so that the kids ease into self-directed playtime. Aka free play.
Have a plan
We usually wake up around 7:00, and the boys have about 2 hours to fill until we go to church.
They free play with Legos, or build cities out of blankets, or throw stuffed animals around the house and break as many of my fragile belongings as possible.
If you need some ideas at first, try tossing them in a bath with some Legos or plastic cups and watch them go. (Because you know that as soon as you need them to take a five-minute nighttime bath, they usually get engrossed in play and won’t get out until midnight.) Or steal one of the many amazing make-believe ideas that they use on “Bluey” (the only children’s show I would actually watch by myself.)
After church we have lunch together, and then they have another hour to play independently.
Get out of the house!
At that point, I take the boys to their swim lessons. (No, I don’t let them have screens in the car! They need to learn how to look around their city and notice life. Ask them which street to turn to next. Or ask them to find a red sign, and then an orange sign etc. Or play fun music! Who is going to teach them how to like Whitney Houston and Led Zeppelin if you don’t!?)
I also highly recommend going to a park or a playground if you’re looking for something to do. It’s one of the best ways to get kids to move their bodies, use their imaginations, and build many necessities like balance and bone density.
And boom! You’re at 5:00 and you can turn on “Bluey,” slump down in a comfy chair, and know that you just did something wonderful for your family!
Now that my boys are in school, I have slowly ratcheted down screen time even more. I realized that they were using Chromebooks for almost 4 hours per day at school, so we are screen free kids at home on Monday through Thursday. They come home from school and go biking, or sledding, or play card games, or God-forbid read a book!!!! I realized quite by accident, (i.e. having a home that looks like a tornado vomited) that if you leave books lying around in every room, they will pick them up and read them.
The key is having a rule and sticking to it.
When my son was small, he asked to watch tv constantly. Our therapist pointed out that we had created a “skinner box.” What’s that, you ask? Well, a psychologist named B.F. Skinner determined that if you intermittently reward a rat for pressing a lever, she will press it all the frickin’ time. So, if your son asks for TV at 9am and you say yes, why shouldn’t he ask again at 2:00pm and 2:15pm, and when you’re trying to poop, and when you’re talking to the airline agent on speakerphone? If you say yes sometimes and say no sometimes, how is he to know the rules?
If you say, “we are screen free kids during the week,” or “we don’t watch screens until lunchtime,” (or whatever your family chooses,) the kids will get it.
I promise.
It takes a week or so, but they will eventually learn the rules and stop asking.
But you must stick to the rules, or they will go back to ask-a-palooza!
T.G.I.F.
My kids are allowed to watch one hour of YouTube on Friday afternoons which they relish. I make sure to be within earshot so that they don’t accidentally stumble upon inappropriate content. They love watching fun science demonstrations on Dave Hax, or Lego animations on Lego Cooking, or how complex things work on Jared Owen. (See, I don’t think the entire Internet is evil, I promise!)
Saturday is basically a free-for-all. They are allowed to go downstairs and turn on a show (not Youtube!) while I languish in my bed dozing or catching-up on the news I missed while being a parent.
I want to point out two things. First, we never actually watch tv all day on Saturday because after a couple of hours there is always somewhere to be: a birthday party, a soccer game, or something I invent just for the sole reason of getting them out of the house and away from the TV.
Most importantly, they are watching a TELEVISION, not a phone.
You may have noticed, like I have, that asking them to turn off the television after watching a scripted show is WAY different than asking them to turn off an interactive game on a device.
The show was fun, and now it’s over. The three-act-structure made them laugh, made them cry, it was better than “Cats.” Heck, EVERYTHING is better than “Cats.” However, the game on the iPad has no end. EVER. And that’s exactly what game inventor Codemaker McProgrammer wants. She doesn’t want you to stop playing. Or stop looking at ads. And she certainly doesn’t want you to stop buying useless 99 cent doohickies to play whatever game is currently cool in preschool circles.
I’m not the only one who notices that children act VERY differently when you pull the iPad away versus turning off the TV.
A 2023 study notes that “computer use and video gaming, but not television viewing, were shown to be connected with more severe depressive symptoms when looking at the effects of various types of screens. Video gaming, in particular, is correlated with the severity of anxiety.”
The authors note that nighttime use of digital devices, and dependency on mobile phones have been associated with depressive symptoms, sleep issues, and ADHD related behavior.
Now, I have a child who actually has ADHD, and I can attest that when my non-ADHD son gets done playing Minecraft, he acts like he was raised by drunk wolves. He hits me, he bites me, he ignores my requests, and sobs like he lost the Oscars. Sidenote, he DOES NOT usually act like this.
Like a drug
The aforementioned study also notes, “psychoneurological effects of addictive screen time use include a decrease in social coping skills and the development of craving behaviors resembling substance dependence.”
No duh! That’s why my 5-year-old son threatens to kill me unless I give him back his Minecraft. That’s why my 10-year-old niece “can’t calm down without her iPad.” That’s why my 4-year-old niece begs to watch her iPad, even though every child around her is roller skating, eating candy, playing with puppies, and having an orgy of childhood bliss.
Did we act like that when our moms asked us to turn off “Charles In Charge” or “The Price Is Right?” NO! We rolled our eyes and then we went outside to use our Pogo Ball or search for snails in the gutter.
Video games and social media have been meticulously engineered to keep our eyeballs on them for as long as humanly possible. TV, on the other hand, just wants you to stay tuned long enough to watch the ad for Kotex or Hot Wheels.
TV is not evil.
But there is a cost-benefit ratio. What could your kids be doing instead of watching their fifth hour of Daniel Tiger? Plenty.
In “The Anxious Generation,” Jonathan Hait calls cellphones “experience blockers.” In other words, if your child is on a phone, she’s sleeping less, reading less, hanging out with friends less, and spending less time in nature.
If you need to set your kiddos in front of the latest Netflix cartoon for an hour or two to make life livable – YOU DO YOU, girl!! I get it! I too survived COVID with a 2-year-old. But please, please, please don’t let your kids get sucked into hours of YouTube or carry the tablet around everywhere they go.
I don’t actually suggest tossing your iPad into the garbage disposal. But see if you can hide it in the drawer where you keep your secret stash of KitKats. After a few days, they won’t even notice it’s gone. I swear.
iPads are for airplanes.
Life is for living.
You can do this!
Additional resources:
Does having screen free kids sound terrifying? Strike a balance between screens and life. Here’s a list of our favorite children’s books.
Want a few hours of screen free kids? Go outside! Here’s lots of ideas for what to do!
Media Use Guidelines for Families. You don’t have to have completely screen free kids to have a good balance.
Parents of Young Children: Why Your Screen Time Matters, Too
U.N. Recommends no screen time for babies
If your child has a problem with smartphone addiction, check this site.
Thanks for visiting ScreenLessPlayMore.com
